Making others look and feel good is the fastest way to improve your Improvised Intelligence™️.
Validating others and knowing how to “call back” (an improv performer term) will not only make others look good, it will quickly build trust in any kind of relationship.
Let’s address validation first and then I’ll dig into the concept of “callbacks.”
In the posts Acceptance vs. Agreement and Active Communication, I presented how to validate someone in conversation. Quite simply, all you have to do is repeat back (verbatim preferably) something someone says. I stress the word “verbatim” for a reason.
The Literal “Yes, And” Exercise
In the Literal “Yes, And” Exercise we use in improv training at Carolina Improv and Pivot10 Results, we coach training participants to actively listen to their conversation partners so that they are able to repeat exactly what they heard. The reason for this is so that the person talking feels “heard” not just listened to.
Often in this exercise, the participants will paraphrase what they heard. Sometimes this works. Often it does not because without realizing it, the “repeater” (validating partner) puts his or her own twist on it to make it more comfortable for themselves.
For example, the exercise might go like this:
Non-Verbatim Scenario:
Karen: The office is really cold today.
Joe: Yes, you think the office is really cold today and I’m warm.
Verbatim Scenario:
Karen: The office is really cold today.
Joe: Yes, the office is really cold today and I’m warm.
Can you feel the difference in how these two conversations play out? Keep in mind, this is an exercise designed for rewiring how the brain listens, validates and collaborates. I’ll give another example that would be closer to a real conversation.
In the non-verbatim scenario, Joe says “you think.” It could be a habitual way of speaking for him or his way of disagreeing with her. Her inside voice might say, “Um, no! I don’t think it’s cold. I know it’s cold.”
That’s her perception and reality that it IS cold. Joe saying “you think” can be interpreted as non-validating and instantly shut her down just with those two words of “you think.”
Different “Yes, And” Styles
As I’ve previously mentioned, the concept and philosophy of “Yes, And” is an improv tenet that improv performers live by as well as teach to others. Not everyone teaches the Literal “Yes, And” Exercise the same way.
I personally stress repeating verbatim because I find it to be extremely powerful in creating connection quickly.
Here’s how you could apply the Literal “Yes, And” Exercise to the conversation in a real way
Karen: The office is really cold today.
Joe: Yes! I can see that by the extra sweater you’re wearing today. I seem to always be warm no matter what the office temperature is. Maybe we could adjust the thermostat.
Acknowledging someone’s reality will create connection. You can still add your perspective, perception or reality to the conversation in a way that others are willing to listen to and validate as well.
All of this ties back into the concept of acceptance vs agreement, leading to collaboration.
The Benefits of Validation
Another benefit to validating by repeating verbatim is the opportunity to confirm that you truly heard and understand the needs of someone else. That’s because if you misinterpreted what someone said, he or she has an opportunity to repeat themselves and make themselves clear.
The other benefit is giving that person the opportunity to hear back what he or she may have said AND possibly realize that their needs might be unreasonable or even sound crazy.
Validating others can be applied in multiple areas of life and business:
- Conversations with friends and family
- Sales conversations, especially in prospecting and objections, with prospects and clients
- Manager and subordinate conversations
- Customer conversations, especially in difficult situations that need to be diffused
Validating with Callbacks
“Callbacks” are a form of validation. The phrase “callback” is commonly used in comedy, especially in improv comedy. Improv comics will often call back something from a previous scene, especially if it was a specific audience suggestion.
Even more powerful is when the performer calls back something personal and specific to an audience member, like his or her name or where they live.
Improv show directors or hosts especially spend time learning the audience by asking them questions about themselves. This information gets woven into the show to engage the audience and make them feel special (make them look good).
For example, after learning about the audience at the beginning of a show, several scenes later a performer might say, “Well, that’s not how we do it here in Cleveland. Just ask Joe.” Obviously there needs to be a guy named Joe from Cleveland in the audience.
This kind of call back causes Joe to push up like a peacock because the spotlight was put on him when he least expected it. As humans we often have low expectations for being remembered by others.
The most important part of this callback is the use of Joe’s name. People LOVE to hear their name in conversations. It feels personal, especially when the person saying our name just met us. It makes us feel like “Wow, she just met me and remembers my name.” This has happened to me in training sessions all the time.
Recalling a Callback
One of my favorite moments was doing an improv workshop in a women’s prison where the inmates were employees of a call center within the prison.
One of the inmates came up to me after the session and thanked me for remembering her name and calling on her by name. Her name was unique and I worked hard to remember it by calling on her a lot.
This particular situation ran deep because this was a woman in prison, a criminal in the eyes of many. I can only imagine what that felt like but I was guessing she, like the others, didn’t get much positive attention in their current situations.
Calling on her in a positive way impacted her. I made her look and feel good.
Applying Callbacks to Real Life and Business
On stage, we can also call back things that happened in previous scenes. This makes the audience laugh especially if it was funny the first time we talked about “Joe From Cleveland.”
Two keys to comedy I’ve referenced before: repetition and contrast. A callback is a form of repetition. I discuss this in more detail in my article Finding The Game Of The Scene (patterns of behavior).
Applying the concept of callbacks in real life and business is super easy and fun, as long as you continue to improve in the areas of active listening and observing. The easiest thing you can do is repeat someone’s name throughout a conversation. Try it and watch how their body language and face changes when you do so.
Another way to do this is to reference something about a person that you may have learned on a previous call or in a previous meeting. Try to learn personal details about others that you can call back because making others look and feel good is about making the conversation about them specifically, not their business or job per se.
For example, call back something about their kids or dog or vacation. I will often comment on someone’s hair style or an article of clothing, in a positive way of course. Or I might reference something exciting they recently posted on social media. It shows I’m paying attention.
Pay Attention to the Details
Pay attention to the environmental details in virtual meetings, such as pictures of other people or artwork. Besides paying attention to others’ details, create things in your environment that will make others curious – set them up for success in a conversation by giving them something easy to talk about or start the conversation.
Remember, the less you the talk, the better. I keep an Illinois license plate behind me for the purpose of conversation. Often others will ask about it during video calls. It keeps the conversation personal and fun because it’s a vanity plate (GMARIE) and it’s from a different state I no longer live in.
Making people curious makes them playful. Making people playful creates collaboration. Collaboration changes the world.